transgender hellhounds save the world

I identify as a demon.

That's not a bit or a symbolic thing, I identify wholly and completely as a demon. Like, for realsies. I would probably be referred to as a physical otherkin (and I'm going into this assuming you know what that is), but I generally just prefer to call myself a demon and leave the labels at that.

I discovered I was a demon in 2023 after watching Good Omens Season 2 and identifying far too strongly with the demon Crowley. From there I began calling myself a demon in conversation, and it felt as right and comfortable as using he/him pronouns.

A lot of people draw a spiritual or psychological distinction between otherkin identities but neither framework particularly works for me. I'm not a spiritual person (which might be surprising given my identity as a demon) but the psychological explanation feels too clinical for my liking. To me, it's the same thing as my gender identity.

Gender identity is a social construct, so it follows that maybe something similar can be said of “demon”. There is iconography, metaphor and symbolism surrounding being a demon that I feel applies to me. I became a demon, in a fashion not dissimilar to a phoenix rising from ashes, because it felt safer to be on the “other side” of the institutions hurting me and mine. Picturing myself with pointy ears and a tail and fangs felt deeply right - a show to the world of what I stood for and the kind of person I was. I'm not human, I feel an inherent disconnect to humanity, like a demon trying to hide its tail after being discovered, and I hate God, but not in the edgy, “kill all the orphans” sense. In the; I don't need the fear of a higher power in order to do my own kind of good.

If I can transition to my “true self” after realising that I connected so much more with a gender other than the one I was assigned at birth, that the true image of myself is one I have to cultivate and build versus just intrinsically connecting with my body, is that not kind of the same as being alterhuman? Isn't “gear” functionally the same thing as a packer, or a binder? Trans people often like to cheekily describe themselves in the language of business bros, as being a “self-made man”, so along those same lines, what's stopping me from being a self-made demon?

And along the lines of being self made, to me it's also sort of an art thing. Art is supposed to be a reflection of the soul, of your truest self. It reveals things about you. Being a demon to me is embracing an artistic lens that I apply to myself and my life. I identify strongly with the image of myself drawn as a demon, of being someone carved out of trauma and isolation into the very thing he was painted as being but this time in an empowering way. If you connect with that story of yourself, what's the line between that strong identification and a notion of being? If you're connecting SO strongly to this ""artistic lens"", maybe that just IS you, what is purer than the self-image you carve and create for yourself?

In interfacing with me, err on the side of dehumanising. I'm a different species from you, we will be fundamentally different, please picture me with toothy fangs when I smile.

I also identify as fictionfolk, the details of which I will probably go in depth on elsewhere, but if you know me you also probably know that I have a Thing in regards to Rin Okumura from Blue Exorcist.

In short, they made a show about me. Blue Exorcist draws uncanny parallels to my own life, from the date of the protagonist’s siblings birthday being the same as my own sibling, to our similar appearances and similar childhood experiences.

I grew up as an undiagnosed neurodivergent. I was a menace in the classroom - I was hyperactive, barely paid attention, and got into a handful of altercations with students and teachers alike. On one occasion, I was locked into a cupboard. For years I loathed myself for how I acted and beat myself up for being socially inept and seemingly too much. Years later, a friend told me that I may be autistic, and when I brought it up with my mum, she reacted like I was telling her the sky was blue - like she’d suspected or even known it for years but never said anything.

In Blue Exorcist's first and second episodes, Rin learns that he's a demon - and that everyone else knew but him. Fujimoto knew, Yukio (who didn't inherit Satan's powers) knew, everyone at the monastery knew. Rin had spent his entire life questioning why he was the way he was, only to find out everyone knew and thought it better to keep that information from him.

Rin then spends the rest of the series trying to connect with humanity and make his first friends ever. His secret causes issues as he desperately tries to hide his nonhuman traits, and he revels in every moment that he gets to experience friendship because he feels like the clock is ticking before they learn too much about his true nature and leave him. His secret is eventually revealed and Rin is treated like a wild animal, offputting and dangerous, but his friends still love him regardless. It’s a narrative that directly parallels my own experience being isolated until ages 15 and up, in learning what true friendship is supposed to be like, whilst battling the stigma of my nonhumanity.

Also he looks like me. He's me. In addition to looking like my body his depiction lines up with how I imagine my demon phantom shifts, the pointy ears and teeth with a tail and scary eyes. Sometimes it feels like I'm a demon because I'm Rin but it goes deeper than that.

There's also a lot of similarities in regards to the sibling relationship depicted in Blue Exorcist, particularly Yukio's suicidality and Rin's reaction but a lot of that is not my story to tell and too raw so I won't go into it here. The reactions were verbatim the same though.